Mike Shannon's Raw Review (Sept. 7, 2009)
Posted on Sep 7, 2009 by Mike Shannon
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WWE RAW (September 7, 2009)
by: Mike Shannon (DLman91@hotmail.com)
-Of course the NFL season starts on Thursday and, once again, the eyes of the world will be on Pittsburgh, PA. The Steelers start their title defense and Super Bowl Number 7 is only a few short months away.
Fear those, bitches.
-LIVE from Chicago, IL who, thanks to the signing of Marian Hossa, are destined to lose in the Stanley Cup Finals this year.
-The Fink welcomes us, parodying the Price is Right theme and introducing Bob Barker, complete with skinny microphone and a contestant's row set. This is so bizarre to see on a wrestling show. Santino Marella, Jillian Hall, Irwin R. Shyster, and Chris Jericho "come on down" to play. They bid on the "Best of Smackdown" DVD and act like complete and total idiots. IRS's line of "does this bid include taxes?" does make me giggle slightly. Jericho refuses to bid but wins anyways after accidentally bidding $1 and therefore getting a chance to win a trip to Hawaii if he can beat MVP.
Chris Jericho vs. MVP
They do a little amateur display and trade headlocks before MVP hits a clothesline and hammers away in the corner. MVP comes back with a drop toe hold and a dropkick, then dodges Jericho's second-rope dropkick, causing Chris to tumble to the floor. THE TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING FANS....
It's like destroying a beautiful piece of art
We're back with MVP fighting out of a headlock but misses a kick and falls to the floor. Y2J works him over and tosses MVP back inside, where he hits an elbow and tries to use the ropes to get a pin. He gets cocky however and gets rolled up for two, but Jericho recovers with a clothesline for a near fall of his own before grabbing a chinlock. MVP ducks an enzugiri hits a flying clothesline for two.
Jericho comes back with a bulldog but misses the Lionsault That Never Hits Anymore and MVP tries the Baller Elbow, but Y2J was playing possum and locks on the Walls of Jericho. MVP counters with a small package for two then hits a big boot for another close two. Playmaker is attempted but Chris counters and tries the Codebreaker which is, in turn, countered by MVP into the winning pin.
Winner: MVP
-So Jericho doesn't go to the Hawaii with the Slut Twins, but we got a pretty good TV match out of it. **1/2
-Recap of last week's Legacy beatdown.
-Backstage, Kelly Kelly and Bob plug his book (which explains his appearance tonight) until DX interrupts and Barker allows them to spin a wheel to see who they will face tonight. The wheel is computerized (rigged) so it lands on Chris Masters and Randy Orton. That was the perfect segment for Kelly Kelly: She didn't wrestle, she didn't really talk, she just stood there showing off her only talent. Fine by me.
-By the way, this is one of the reasons Raw is dragging terrible lately. They use backstage skits to put over the celebrity guest host, plug whatever they are plugging, and therefore the wrestling talent loses that forum to advance their characters. Instead of those backstage skits actually meaning something, they are usually just comedy routines or shill jobs. Not that they'll change it anytime soon, just saying.
Chavo Guerrero vs. Evan Bourne
If Chavo wins, he gets a new car. That would be a great gimmick if he won the car and then turned it into a low-rider with hydraulics and refused to allow anyone to even breathe on it or he would kick their ass. He could start with the fucking midget. Anyways, Chavo controls at the start, kicking him hard in the gut for two and then locking on an abdominal stretch. They trade STIFF kicks and Bourne hits a flying headscissors which sets up a springboard kick for two.
Both men head to the top and Bourne wiffs on a hurricanrana attempt and almost kills himself (in a good way) falling off the top rope. Chavo hits the Three Amigos and goes up for the frog splash, but the fucking midget runs in with a squirt gun and Bourne rolls Chavo up for the win.
Winner: Evan Bourne
-So they have another really good match going and they decide to ruin it again? I really really REALLY hate this show sometimes. Midget automatically deducts 1/2* every single time he appears...**.
He's almost as bad as this picture
Cody Rhodes vs. John Cena
Cody is fresh off looking like the biggest wuss ever for not attacking Orton after Randy laid out his dad. Cena overpowers Cody to start and Rhodes takes a powder as it's commercial time again...
Stallion
We're back with Cena hitting a facebuster for two and a BAAAAAACK body drop, sending Cody to the outside to regroup. Cena's head meets the announce table and Cody beats him down inside the ring, hitting a clothesline fro two while the crowd remains hot. Rhodes goes to work on the leg and they counter a bit before Cody hits a russian leg sweep for two.
Cody works a form of the Camel Clutch and, after Cena breaks that, takes him down in a Fujiwara armbar. John powers out and Cody misses a dropkick, allowing Cena to do his usual comeback stuff but he misses the top rope dropkick and Cody tries for a figure four. Cena sees it coming and catches Cody's foot to turn it into an STF in a cool counter, but Orton runs in for the DQ.
Winner by DQ: John Cena
-It started slow and it was dragging, but I really got into the submission stuff at the end. I wanted an ending but knew we wouldn't get one since WWE is so obsessed with protecting EVERYONE on the roster right now. Still, another really good effort from both guys ***.
-The Fink calls former TNA "superstar" AJ Pierzynski (drawing boos from the Cubs fans in the audience) and they bid on a WrestleMania travel package. Santino wins and has a chance to wrestle for a new hot tub, giving an excuse for the Bella twins to be in swimsuits. Santino can win if he can slam his next opponent...
Body Slam Challenge
Santino Marella vs. Big Show
Cole and Lawler acting like this is the funniest thing ever is really stupid because you can tell how fake it is. Show slams him, match over.
Winner: Big Show
-What a waste of time that was...DUD. Bob Barker goes senile on live television and they have to play the losing sound effect two times to get him to move on. He gives Big Show another opponent for the second Body Slam Challenge of the night...
Body Slam Challenge
Big Show vs. Mark Henry
Henry chases him out of the ring then hits a headbutt back inside but can't slam him. Show hammers Henry's lower back (wow, psychology) but also can't slam the fat guy. Neither can get the other off the mat as this is the perfect example of how to kill a hot crowd. Henry finally slams Show to put me out of my misery.
Winner: Mark Henry
-My God was that boring. 1/16* for the slam because we've already seen Cena give Show the AA like 12 times.
-Backstage, Josh Matthews and Bob shill the book some more.
-Next week, Trish Stratus hosts Raw.
Hottest...woman...ever.
-Backstage, Chavo demands his car and challenges Bob, who beats him up. So Chavo has been beaten up by a midget and a senior citizen in the last few weeks. Great.
DX vs. Randy Orton and Chris Masters
One of these things is not like the other...one of these things just doesn't belong. HBK chases Masters out of the ring with Sweet Chin Music and of course we take a commercial...
One more just because
We're back with HBK coming in and working over Orton, hitting a swinging neckbreaker and tagging back in HHH. Randy fights out of a Pedigree but then misses an RKO and takes a suplex followed by a knee drop for two. HBK tags in and so does Masters who tosses Shawn hard to the corner and hits a backbreaker. Orton comes in with a knee drop for two then tags back in Masters, who gets two off a whip to the corner.
HBK takes a trip to the floor where Orton gets his cheap shots and allows Shawn to go into Sell Mode back in the ring. Orton hits a dropkick for two then goes to the chinlock. Shawn comes back with a flying forearm and gets the hot tag to HHH off a kip up and Hunter cleans the house of fire. Orton distracts HHH but he still hits the spinebuster on Masters and HBK comes back in with a flying elbow. AND IT'S FINALLY TIME TO TUNE UP THE BAND~!...
If you don't know what song is on this album, we're not friends anymore.
HHH gets rid of Orton but his distraction allows Masters to apply the Masterlock. HHH saves at the last second and he applies a SHARPSHOOTER to Orton while HBK locks on a figure four to get the submission from Masters.
Winners: DX
-Well that's pretty much the only reason Masters was in the match...someone had to job. Match was typical Raw tag team main event. ***
-Post-match, DX brawls with Legacy while Orton hides in the arena. They fight to the parking lot until Rhodes and DiBiase hijack someone and escape into the night with their car.
-Orton finds a mic somehow and makes the mistake of calling out Cena, who answers and beats the hell out him around the ring. Cena gets a little too anxious and gets hit with the Hangman's DDT. Orton then plots Cena's demise and hits an RKO onto a chair to takes us off the air.
Final Word
The wrestling was pretty good this week, but really I'm probably not buying the PPV just because it's basically a rehash of all the Summer Fest matches. It was a good enough show, but not enough to make me shell out money for the PPV.
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