Mike Shannon's Raw Review (August 31, 2009)
Posted on Aug 31, 2009 by Mike Shannon
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WWE RAW (August 31, 2009)
by: Mike Shannon (DLman91@hotmail.com)
-I am completely unsurprised by Rey Mysterio's positive test. I mean come on,
-LIVE! from Detroit, MI meaning...
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
-YOUR guest host tonight, Dusty Rhodes, kicks us off (if you weel...) by making Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton for the title with Dusty in his son's corner AND John Cena being the special guest referee. Of course, Orton has to interrupt and ask why he shouldn't kick the Dream in the head right now. Cody makes his way out and promises to become the youngest WWE champion of all time. Randy thinks the fix is in and the segment ends very abruptly.
-Backstage, the sluts...I mean, Divas, prepare for a battle royal that I'm sure will be a **** classic.
American Dream Battle Royale
Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes, Jillian Hall, Alicia Fox
Winner gets a shot at Mickie James tonight on Raw. Why did Gail Kim come out with Kelly Kelly if it's a battle royale? That makes no sense. Typical women's punchy-kicky stuff until Beth dumps Rosa in short order. Fox hits her ax kick, but gets immediately dumped by Gail and then Kelly gets tossed as well. Gail holds off both heels for awhile but goes splat on a high cross body. This is really bad tonight. Jillian tries to dump Gail and they REALLY fuck up a hurricanrana. That's just EMBARRASSING. Gail skins the cat back in and takes Jillian out with a headscissors. Beth just walks over and kicks Gail in the head to win.
Winner: Beth Phoenix
-So Gail Kim fucks up spots 2 weeks in a row and they continue to put her out there? This women's division is worse than the Detroit Lions. This sucked -** for the blown spots and weak as hell wrestling.
Tetris = Gail Kim
Chris Jericho vs. MVP
They do a little wrestling sequence that ends with Jericho tossing MVP hard to the corner and hitting a back suplex for two. MVP comes back by slugging away and hits his judo throw but gets caught trying a facebuster and Jericho tries for the Walls. MVP kicks out and hits a big boot for two. MVP stays on top with a flying clothesline off the ropes for another two, but Jericho comes back with a springboard kick that puts MVP on the floor and WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK FANS!!!
He'd have my vote in a second....yippie ki-yay motherfucker.
We're back with MVP fighting out of a chinlock (big surprise there) but he takes a bulldog from Jericho. Lionsault misses and MVP comes back with a mafia kick and the Baller elbow for two. He tries for the Playmaker and Y2J reverses to a Walls attempt, but MVP cradles for two. This just pisses Jericho off, so he hits the Codebreaker for the win.
Winner: Chris Jericho
-Pretty good TV match, but I hate the commercial breaks that break them up. **1/2
-Backstage, DX meets Dusty Rhodes and pimp the Rise and Fall of WCW (a slight disappointment, see my review on this site of course). In the funniest bit, HBK asks "shouldn't we watch Raw?" and the guys say of course not. I love when art imitates life.
-SPEAKING OF THE FALL OF WCW.....the fucking midget is dressed like a cowboy while going to the ring. How do people NOT see the parallels here? HOW?!?!?
Texas Bullrope Match
The Fucking Midget vs. Chavo Guerrero
First to tie the other up wins. Hornswoggle is a cowboy, Chavo is dressed like a cow. Ha ha? The loser in the front row wearing a Detroit Red Losers jersey finds it funny however.
For added hilarity, Chavo has to wear a cow head as well. Oh no, please stop. I'm laughing so hard my sides are hurting. Please...the comedy is too much. A bunch of bullshit follows that I refuse to recap and Evan Bourne distracts Chavo to allow the waste of money, no-drawing, embarrassment to wrestling, piece of shit midget to win again.
Winner: Hornswoggle
-This is some of the worst shit I've ever seen. -**** that's two negative star matches in one hour. This is almost as bad as WCW was in 2000.
-Oh, but BIG SHOW VS. MARK HENRY will save the show!!!!
Big Show vs. Mark Henry
As the late Gorilla Monsoon would say...this match could main event any arena in the country, baby! Lockups and a test of strength establish that both men are big and fat. Headbutts have no effect on SUPERHENRY~! Mark works a headlock for a long time before Show hits a spear. Henry break a front facelock and hits a pair of splashes in the corner, then hits a splash for two. Mark misses a blind charge and Big Show exposes the STEEL TURNBUCKLE and rams Henry into it for the DQ. Great.
Winner by DQ: Mark Henry
-The crowd boos this shit out of the building, as it should be. 1/4* for the spear as this show is approaching "Top 10 Worst Ever" territory at this point.
-Backstage, DX and Dusty watch the FINGERPOKE OF DOOM~! and HHH questions the sanity of that. Dream blames their "buddy" Kevin Nash and argues over who won the Monday night war. Dusty brings up a soft subject by asking who was World Champion when WCW was kicking WWF's ass? Shawn, of course. The ratings shot up as soon as he left, coincidentally. HBK leaves and HHH asks who the hell came up with Johnny B. Badd? Dusty says he may have.
Yes, but what about Terra Ryzing?
Fatal Four Way for the US Title
Kofi Kingston vs. Carlito vs. Jack Swagger vs. The Miz
First pinfall wins the title. The Miz bails and lets Kofi fight both heels and he does pretty well until Swagger hits a belly to belly. Carlito gets rid of Swagger, so Miz rejoins us and gets rid of Carlito to take over on Kingston. All three heels end up on the outside and Kofi hits a plancha on all three to take us to commercial...
We're back with Swagger working a half crab until Miz interrupts and hits a neckbreaker for two, broken by Kofi. Miz tries a charge to the corner, but Carlito interrupts with a missile dropkick for two. Kingston comes back with a high cross body on both heels for two, but Swagger returns and kicks everyone's ass then hits a Vader Bomb on Carlito for two. Another Vader Bomb hits Miz's knees, but Kofi gets rid of him and hits the Jamaican legdrop on Carlito and Swagger for two. After some jobbing around, everyone hits their finishers but Kofi hits the last one, the one that counts, and gets the pin on Carlito for the win.
Winner and STILL Champion: Kofi Kingston
-Really thought they were gonna pull the trigger on Miz, but guess not. Still good though ***.
Divas Title
Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix
Mickie gets a quick rollup for one and works a headlock but Beth overpowers her and drives her into the corner before stomping away. Baseball slide in the corner causes Mickie to hit the post (after Mickie actually SIGNALS her to do the move) and Beth takes her down with a shoulderbreaker for two. Mickie fights out of a chinlock and slugs away, hitting a low dropkick then another to the face. Mickie gets a flying headscissors out of the corner but gets dumped to the floor going to the top rope. Beth sends her into the ringside barrier before getting two back inside the ring. Crowd is DEAD. Out of nowhere, Mickie counters a backbreaker off the ropes into a tornado DDT for the win.
Winner and STILL Champion: Mickie James
-Well, it was what it was. A women's match with a spot having to be blatantly called on camera so that makes it lose some points, but it was technically fine, just boring. *1/2.
-Backstage, HHH riffs on the Shockmaster (done to death on the internet) until Santino does his impression of the immortal entrance. In a nice wink to insider fans, Arn Anderson is revealed to be doing the voice. I bet 95% of the audience had no clue what was going on there.
That Ole Anderson...what a genius
-Backstage, John Cena does his typical "I will not quit, I will overcome the odds, yada yada yada."
-Bob freakin' Barker will host Raw next week....bitch.
WWE Championship
Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes (w/Dusty Rhodes)
Screwjob anyone? Dusty immediately turns on Cena, revealing this all to be a setup. Legacy lays the beatdown on Cena until DX runs in and cleans house. However, Dusty turns the tide by using the COWBOY BOOT on HHH as Legacy lays the beatdown on HBK. How many times are these legendary guest hosts going to turn heel until people get sick of it..............right about now.
No Contest
-Post-match, for no real reason, Orton gives Dusty the RKO and Cody does nothing, proving himself to be the biggest coward on the planet. The guy just RKO'ed your DAD...how much more do you want? Cody Rhodes, the character, is a joke.
Final Word
Well, after a streak of decent shows, this one sure SUCKED. Two negative star matches and a main event that never happened. I honestly believe WWE needs to clean house creatively and start all over because NONE of this is working.
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