Mike Shannon's Raw Review (Aug 3, 2009)
Posted on Aug 3, 2009 by Mike Shannon
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WWE RAW (August 3, 2009)
by: Mike Shannon (DLman91@hotmail.com)
-YOUR guest host tonight is, of course, Jeremy Piven who stars in the most annoying, overrated television show ever...Entourage.
"Hey guys, did you hear about my new car? How about that hot girl? How can we be more famous? Being rich sucks. Bitch, whine, whine, cars, shoes, girls, cars, cars, uneasy male closeness, cars, bitch, whine."
-But tonight, Mr. Piven has a movie to pimp and he's stuff his trunk with co-star Ken Jeong (a.k.a. that Chinese guy from "The Hangover"). This is starting to get more like Saturday Night Live each and every week. How long before they have musical guests?
Banged your mom in 1985
-The Miz interrupts and asks for a match with John Cena while Jeong succeeds in being the most annoying person ever. Cena answers and asks Piven to make things interesting, so Mr. Entourage makes a Lumberjack and if Miz loses he is banned from "Summer Fest" (quickly corrected to Summerslam by Cena). However, Cena convinces him to change to being banned from Raw if he loses.
-That segment was EXTREMELY bad.
Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger
Bourne puts Jack down with a forearm, but takes a powerslam and gets ridden on the mat. Swagger misses a blind charge and Bourne comes back with a dropkick but a standing moonsault hits only knees. Swagger tries for the gutwrench and Bourne rolls him up for a surprise two, but Swagger stays in control with an Oklahoma Stampede. This time the gutwrench hits and Swagger gets the pin.
Winner: Jack Swagger
-Basically an extended squash cementing Bourne in the midcard. *1/4 Post-match, Swagger keeps beating and MVP makes the save.
-Shaq video to milk whatever publicity they can out of it.
-Backstage, Piven hits on the divas and Dr. Ken screeches some more until Big Show complains wanting to beat up Shaq. Piven satisfies him with a US title show at Kofi Kingston instead.
Mickie James and Gail Kim vs. Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall
Mickie gets two off a dropkick right away then follows with a top rope Thesz Press for two. Beth comes back with a stungun for two, then Jillian comes in with a Greco-Roman hair pull. Mickie fights out of the heel corner and a flying headscissors triggers the hot tag to Gail Kim, who beats the silicone out of Jillian. Missile dropkick hits, but a Beth distraction allows Jillian hit an elbow. Beth makes a blind tag and beats down Gail then hits the Glam Slam for the win.
Winner: Beth Phoenix and Jillian Hall
-With Maryse hurt you need another heel woman's challenge, so here she is. ** Acceptable wrestling.
She'd be hot if I didn't fear her ripping my dick off and beating me to death with it.
Handicap Match
HHH vs. Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase
I still think if it's a handicap match, both men should be able to be in the ring at the same time. HHH controls Cody with a headlock and a suplex, then follows with a kneedrop but gets caught with his head down. DiBiase tags in and runs into a clothesline from Trips, who tries a Pedigree early which draws in Cody. HHH clears the ring of the heels to establish his male dominance and WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK!!
Why do I get the feeling this guy is in a fraternity?
We're back with Cody working a rest hold which HHH fights out of, but fails victim to the blind tag and a beatdown in the heel corner commences. Cody gets two so DiBiase helps with a double suplex which gets two, then he grabs a hold. HHH tries a comeback but runs into a powerslam for two. Cody comes back in with a kneedrop for two then goes to a chinlock.
DDT gets two and Cody gets frustrated so he tries a moonsault but it misses by a mile. HHH gets rid of DiBiase by sending him into the ring barrier, then he hits a high knee back inside on Cody. Facebuster allows HHH to toss Cody into DiBiase and a spinebuster sets up the Pedigree on Rhodes, but Teddy Jr. comes from behind and hits Dream Street. Cody covers but it only gets two. Cody hits his own finisher, Cross Rhodes, and that's good enough to get the pin.
Winners: Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase
-A good story told with the numbers game overcoming HHH, but no real psychology to speak of. Still, all in all, a good effort. Too many restholds to be any higher than ***.
-Post-match, HHH laments his loss and ponders starting another group to even up things. Maybe Evolution? Nah (HHH: Orton's a jerk, Batista's always hurt, and Flair is signing at a VFW somewhere). He decides to make one phone call and if you aren't down with that? Suck it.
Admit it. You'd be more excited if this version came back.
-Backstage, Chavo pretends to be a fan of Piven and gets his movies wrong. The newest funny thing EVER in WWE is to have celebrities mispronounce heel's names. He makes ANOTHER match with the midget for Chavo to embarrass himself.
Carlito vs. Primo Colon
Good to see a potential PPV match on free TV. Primo dominates his brother to start with flying headscissors and strikes, then follows with a flying clothesline for two. Carlito takes a powder so Primo hits a dive to the outside and brings him back inside for two. Carlito comes back with a rope-assisted neckbreaker for two, then a slam which sets up an elbow for another near fall. Primo mounts a comeback with a corkscrew forearm and a monkey flip, but he hits his shoulder on post. Carlito tries the Back Stabber but gets rolled up for two. The elder Colon is now pissed, so he hits the Back Stabber and gets the win.
Winner: Carlito
-Well, that's a pretty definite blowoff for something that could have been drawn out for a little longer, don't you think? The finish came out of nowhere, but it's clear these guys could have an AWESOME match with 20 minutes. They ain't ever getting it, of course. ***
Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle
Never happens due to Piven saying Hornswoggle isn't here so he makes....
Chavo Guerrero vs. Mark Henry
Chavo's parade of jobbing continues. Henry uses the POWER OF DONUTS to overpower Chavo and hit the World's Strongest Slam for the win.
Winner: Mark Henry
-DUD. Does the creative team just tell Mark Henry to grin like an idiot the whole time? Hornswoggle is, of course, here so he hits the Tadpole Splash on Chavo because, God knows, we have to keep heat on the fucking midget.
-Backstage, Piven wants Orton to be the ring announcer for the Cena-Miz match. Randy punks him out for being a cheeky bastard and Dr. Ken isn't having fun anymore.
United States Championship
Kofi Kingston vs. Big Show
God knows we gotta get Big Show another belt before he eats the other one he has. I credit WWE for the SWEET remix of Jericho and Show's entrance music. I dub it...JERI-SHOW! King and Cole are surprised that poll results show that fans think Shaq would win a match against Big Show. Could it be because he lost to a 145 lbs. boxer at WrestleMania not too long ago?
Anyways, Big Show goes after Kofi's knees then works a headlock in impressive fashion and then steps on his head. Those blue tights are TERRIBLE. Kofi gets crushed in the corner and then chopped. Kofi tries a comeback with a high cross body but gets caught and slammed. Show follows with a Vader Bomb, but Kingston gets his foot on the rope. Big Show works some sort of weird looking MMA-like submission move, but that goes nowhere so he chokes him out on the ropes.
Show tries another Vader Bomb but gets caught by Kofi and he follows with dropkicks to the knee. He hits Trouble in Paradise but doesn't cover and instead hits a HUGE top rope legdrop, but it only gets two. Show is angered so he spears Kofi and hammers away on the kidneys. The ref wants a break, but Show keeps slugging away so Little Naitch calls for the bell. WOOOOO!
Winner by DQ: Kofi Kingston
-This actually was a pretty good "big vs. small" match, so it gets **3/4. This angle has alot of potential, with Jericho being the loudmouth jerk and Big Show being the henchman muscle to keep people from killing him.
Poor henchman...
-Backstage, HHH makes his phone call but the man on the other end apparently is NOT "down with that".
-Another "The Goods" preview. Apparently, the new Hollywood strategy is to take every single recognizable character from Judd Apatow movies and plug them into a comedy together to convince people that Apatow created it.
-Next week's guest host is Sgt. Slaughter. Hell, I can just watch Raw from 1997 if I want to see that.
Lumberjack Match
John Cena vs. The Miz
For no reason whatsoever, Piven and Dr. Ken do a HEEL TURN (complete with "shut up fatboy" to the crowd) and he's handpicked all the Lumberjacks, which turn out to be all the heels. Miz hammers away but Cena comes back with a facebuster and he dumps Miz to the outside. Back in, Cena tries the STF but the lumberjacks distract him and Miz dumps John into the arms of Chris Masters, who locks on the Masterlock. They dump him back in, where Cena grabs the ropes to break the two count.
Miz hits a stiff clothesline for two, then hammers away in the corner. King describing Dr. Ken as "hilarious" is a joke itself. Cena comes back with his suplex, but the Five Knuckle Shuffle is interrupted by a low-bridge from Orton, where a Legacy beatdown commences on the floor. Miz tries to use Dr. Ken's pimp cane back inside the ring, but Cena catches him in the Attitude Adjustment for the win and send Miz to ECW/Smackdown.
Winner: John Cena
-Post-match, Piven tries to attack Cena, but John uses his body as a weapon against the other heels. Dr. Ken tries to suck up to Cena but gets tosses to the floor where he hits his head HARD. Match wasn't too great with Super Cena emerging again. *1/2
-I guess they have given up on the Miz as a main eventer, but seriously, this is the perfect example of how NOT to give someone a chance to get over after he catches on with the audience slightly. The McMahons are all drunk.
Final Word
Despite my bitterness over the Miz, this actually was a fairly good show (minus Dr. Ken). A few good matches (one actually involving the BIG SHOW!) are all I ask. Now, if they could put a string of these together they might be in business.
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