WWE Raw Review (June 29, 2009)
Posted on Jun 29, 2009 by Mike Shannon
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WWE RAW (June 29, 2009)
by: Mike Shannon (DLman91@hotmail.com)
-Thanks to everyone for coming back despite my vacation last week (another one is imminent as well, what can I say? The wife likes how I look in a swimsuit) Of course, I would be remiss if I did not mention the passing of one of the biggest pop culture icons of our time, a man who inspired millions and entertained countless others. Of course, I am referring to...
Stallion from Pittsburgh
-I did get a chance to catch some of the Bash today and I gotta say, aside from Mysterio-Jericho, I was not impressed. Sure the seeds were set for the DiBiase turn, but I'm sure they'll fuck that up and WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING WITH THE MIZ?!?!? Someone in Titan Tower has to be HIGH to book shit like that after WEEKS of buildup and threatening to turn the Miz into something more. Now, he's just another midcard guy who can't hang with Cena for more than FIVE FUCKING MINUTES. I am rapidly losing patience with this promotion and remember, I've lived through 1993-1997 so I know what I'm talking about.
-LIVE from San Jose, CA (King of NHL Chokers)
-Vinnie Mac kicks us off first, fresh off re-buying Raw a whole ONE WEEK after selling it. Apparently there has been a trade between all three brands, with the show acquiring 5 new wrestlers. Huh? He announces that the GM will be a new guest host each and every week and tonight's is Dave Batista. Well, this is an interesting concept.
-Batista announces a tournament to see who will face Randy Orton at Night of the Champions. The matches are Miz vs. Cena (oh joy) and MVP vs. HHH. Orton interrupts because God knows we can't go 10 minutes with Orton saying something. He complains about the match last night so Batista makes a handicap match against 3 of the new Raw wrestlers. OK, I admit, they got me interested in this opening segment.
-By the way, I have to say that Larry Flynt (or whoever the hell runs Hustler now) deserve to rot in hell for publishing nude phots of Nancy Benoit under the title "Chris Benoit's Murdered Wife Nude". He's already confined to a wheelchair, so I guess all that's left is Hell.
Semi-Final Tournament Match
HHH vs. MVP
Are they really still shoving this Shari Shepard crap down our throats? The first sequence establishes that HHH is not 100% due to last night, with the knee especially taped up. MVP goes right for the knee and works it before putting the Figure Four ON THE WRONG KNEE. Just for the record, the Figure Four hurts the STRAIGHT leg, NOT the twisted one. That's a major annoyance of mine.
Hunter powers out but tries the Pedigree too soon and gets hit with the Ballin' Elbow for two. Another Pedigree attempt is countered and a kick to the head (which missed by a mile) gets two. Playmaker is countered and HHH hits the Pedigree for the win.
Winner: HHH
-WOW, was that bad. Figure Fours on the wrong leg, kicks that miss by three feet, and ZERO offense from HHH before his finisher. That's bad times -*. Not off to a good start.
-Recap of Jericho and Edge winning the tag titles in a very perplexing booking decision.
Unified Tag Team Champions
Chris Jericho and Edge vs. The Colons
Jericho starts with Primo, who hits Chris with flying headscissors and beats the hell out of Edge before dumping Jericho on top of him on the outside. Stereo baseball slides take us to a commercial...
We're back with Primo getting his ass kicked by Jericho before Edge comes in and whips him into the corner for two. Chris tags back in, but Primo counters the running bulldog and gets the hot tag to Carlito, who cleans house on Jericho and hits a springboard moonsault for two. Carlito counters a slingshot into the corner and hits another body press for two. Edge comes in a tries a spear, but he ends up taking the Back Stabber which gets two, saved by Jericho. Primo gets rid of Jericho with a suicide dive, leaving Carlito and Edge. Carlito tries another springboard but slips off the middle rope when Primo supposedly grabs it and Edge hits the spear for the win.
Winners and STILL Champions: Edge and Jericho
-Replays show that Primo didn't even come close to touching the middle rope, so whatever. Some decent sequences save it from being a total loss, but the blown ending really hurt it. **3/4
-Backstage, Batista informs Legacy that he will fire anyone who interferes in the Orton handicap match later tonight.
-Recap of the Miz-Cena feud. You know I REALLY hate that Cena says he "put his life on the line" at ECW One Night Stand. Did anyone REALLY think his life was in danger? Joke.
Tournament Semi-Final
John Cena vs. The Miz
Cena counters Miz's offense to start and gets a near fall off of an elbow. Blind charge misses, allowing Miz to take Cena down and hammer away. John comes back with a HIGH back body drop and a suplex for two. We go to the chinlock, but Miz gets out of it, hits a suplex for two, then goes to a chinlock of his own. Cena fights out but Miz still hits a neckbreaker for two. Cena's running bulldog is countered and Miz clotheslines Cena on the top rope (a la Randy Savage) then hits another neckbreaker for two. The Miz just hammers away on Cena as we go to break...
This man destroys souls
We're back with Cole putting Miz over huge for beating up Cena, guaranteeing that he has NO chance of winning. Miz hits a stiff clothesline for two then hits his corner clothesline as the announcers continue to verbally blow him. He might as well quit now. The Miz counters an Attitude Adjuster into an electric chair drop for a pair of two counts. Miz dodges an STF and locks on a sleeper and has some success, but Cena drives him into the corner and hits his puke-inducing FOUR SHITTY MOVES OF DEATH. Flashback sets up the top rope leg drop and the STF (applied TERRIBLY) gets the submission.
Winner: John Cena
-Match was basically all Miz and he did a decent job of carrying the match, but it wasn't anything great. ** minus points because I'm bitter about the result and Cena's finishing hold looked like my grandmother applied it.
-OK, so it's been two nights and two losses for Miz to Cena. Welcome back to midcard hell Miz, hope you enjoyed your angle. I would have bet my house on Miz getting beat after getting ALL the offense and getting put over on commentary. HOWEVER...there is a difference between dominating a match and getting put over. No one buys Miz on the level of John Cena and that's why it doesn't work.
-Backstage, DiBiase informs Legacy that the MILLION DOLLAR MAN will be the guest host next week. Orton is not impressed.
Orton would KILL to be this cool
Fatal Four Way for Title Shot
Kelly Kelly vs. Mickie James vs. Beth Phoenix vs. Rosa Mendes
I wish just ONCE they would forget to book a Divas match. I just realized that WWE does not even consider wrestling talent or bra size because both can be faked. If Maryse, who joined us at ringside, sneezes I think her blouse is going to explode. Maryse should never talk...ever. Anyways, Beth dominates for awhile before getting dumped allowing Mickie to walk Kelly through a wrestling sequence.
Beth comes back inside and beats down the faces to get a few two counts, but Mickie counters a suplex and hooks a very sloppy dragon sleeper. All four women hook sleepers on each other in a spot lifted from the 1960s and a spot that I hate. It's eventually broken and they all exchange two counts and Beth powerslams Rosa for two, broken by Kelly. The faces tee off on Beth, but she still manages to hit her finisher on Kelly but the pin is broken by Mickie. Sloppy headscissors puts Beth to the outside, allowing Mickie to hit her DDT on Rosa for the win.
Winner: Mickie James
-Interrupting a lot of two counts doesn't make a good match, no matter what WWE would lead you to believe. This was better than I expected, but that's not saying much **.
Big Show vs. Kofi Kingston
If the Big Slow wins, he'll get a US title shot in the future. Show clotheslines him down and then goes to work on Kofi's shoulder, then slams him. Elbow drop misses and Kofi comes back with strikes and his kick in the corner. Missile dropkick sets up the Jamaican Legdrop for two, basically a no-sell. Kofi leaps on Show's shoulders but gets dumped to the outside and chopped against the announce table. (Cole: "I think his chest just caved in."....He's a fucking moron) Kofi rolls out of a slam attempt and sends Show into the post, so the referee counts both men out.
Double Count Out
-It's amazing how boring Kofi's matches become when the Big Show is added. 1/2*
3 vs. 1 Gauntlet Match
I'll do the matches individually because it's my column and I said so.
Randy Orton vs. Evan Bourne
I'd say I hope they'll push Bourne, but he'll probably end up in a dead end tag team. Bourne hits a running elbow then counters a suplex to a schoolboy rollup for two. Spinning heel kick also gets two. Orton comes back with an uppercut and stomps to the chest. Bourne counters an abdominal stretch and hits a HIGH standing moonsault for two, then hits a dropkick to the head for another near fall. Bourne heads up top and drives Orton's head to the mat with his knees, but he takes too long with Air Bourne and gets crotched on the top leading to an RKO from the top (called a "running bulldog" by Cole) for a win.
Winner: Randy Orton
-Bourne deserves SO much more than being a JTTS (jobber to the stars), but I fear that's all he'll get. ** for some impressive Bourne spots.
Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger
Well, THAT'S a bit of a surprise. Swagger takes down Orton and then stands on the apron and gets counted out. What the fuck?
Winner by Count Out: Randy Orton
-Swagger grabs the mic and says he respects Orton and wanted to leave an impression. OK, that explains NOTHING. DUD of course.
Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry
Oh God....ANYONE but Henry. Now we have Mark Henry and Big Show on the SAME SHOW?!?! God help us all. Henry also has a mic and says he has respect for Orton and wants to make an impression. He overpowers Orton then stands on the apron as well, but he stops the count while Orton acts like a little girl in the corner. Randy resorts to begging on his knees but that only earns him an ass kicking. Henry avalanches him in the corner then headbutts Orton down. Orton's RKO attempt is countered into a World's Strongest Slam for the win.
Winner: Mark Henry
-Nothing special here *.
-So our average rating for the match is *, so nothing to write home about. I have a complaint as well. On one hand you have Evan Bourne, exciting and young, and on the other you have Mark Henry, boring as fuck and stale since 1999, so who do you push? All you have to know is Evan Bourne is small and Mark Henry is big and of course we all know that WWE will ALWAYS push the big guy.
Final Word
So Mark Henry is supposed to be a babyface now? What direction is this show heading in? No one seems to know. Last week Donald Trump was promising a new era and now, just a week later, Vince is back and Mark Henry is going over the formerly unstoppable Randy Orton. I am almost interested to keep watching just to see how freaking weird this show can get.
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