WWE Extreme Rules 2009 Review
Posted on Jun 7, 2009 by Mike Shannon
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WWE Extreme Rules 2009 (June 7, 2009)
by: Mike Shannon (DLman91@hotmail.com)
-LIVE from New Orleans, LA
-This should be an interesting event since I was a hormone-driven teenager during ECW's peak, so the word "extreme" means something totally different to me than the current crop of 14 year olds who think John Cena is extreme. I'm sure I'll be in a more-bitter-than-usual mood during this one, especially if there is no blood....just cause.
Fatal Four Way for US Title
Kofi Kingston vs. MVP vs. William Regal vs. Matt Hardy
Unfortunately, my TV decided to go insane and I missed the start of the match, but I pick up with MVP and Kofi bumping heads in a screwed up spot....good first thing for me to see. Kofi gets a pair of leapfrogs before Regal attacks from behind and hammers away in the corner. Eventually a series of spots results in a three way KO and Matt tries for a pin on everyone to little success. Side Effect gets two for Matt on Regal, so Hardy hits a second-rope legdrop for two on MVP. Kofi explodes on Matt with a hard clothesline, then follows that with a standing dropkick and he bodyslams Regal on top of Matt before giving the heels the Jamaican Legdrop. Regal tastes the floor and Kofi gets rid of MVP. Nice spot as Regal hits an exploder suplex, but ends up landing on Matt to get two. MVP comes back with a judo throw on Kofi for two then drops the Baller Elbow for two on Hardy. (Cole: "They play hoop here." Good Lord) Kingston tries a 10-punch on MVP but Regal destroys everyone until Kofi hits Trouble In Paradise out of nowhere for the win.
Winner and STILL Champion: Kofi Kingston
-I know I missed the first part of it, but I could still tell that it was extremely rushed. They blew a couple spots pretty obviously, so not the best start in the world. **
-Backstage, Big Show promises problems for Cena tonight.
No Holds Barred for Intercontinental Title
Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho
JR says that Rey Mysterio is the first masked IC champ, which is wrong because Kane won it in 2001. Come on Jim, you're better than that. Rey Rey attacks right away and hammers Jericho on the outside, using the top of the announce table as a weapon. Jericho tries to flip Rey into the step, but Mysterio lands on his feet and Jericho is the one to taste the pain. Rey stays on him and hits a flying headscissors from the ring apron and gets two back inside off of it. Rey goes up top but Jericho crotches him to slow Mysterio down, but Rey dropkicks Jericho in the stomach to send him to the outside again, where Mysterio hits a dive off the top rope. Back inside, Rey hits a legdrop for two but a 619 attempt is countered by Jericho. Rey comes back again and rolls up Jericho for two, but Chris reverses to his own rollup for two. Jericho tries for the Walls, but Rey turns it into a small package for two. Rey gets two off of a kick to the face, as he is definitely dominating so far. Jericho comes back with a stiff clothesline for two.
He dumps Rey to the outside while Todd Grisham tries to sound like he knows lucha libre and the mask tradition...joke. Jericho goes to the chinlock, but then starts ripping the mask off and the camera definitely gets a good look at Rey's face. Of course, he was unmasked for a year in WCW, so what's the big deal?
Jericho misses a charge that puts him to the outside and Rey follows with a suicide dive that has the kiddies in fits. Back inside, Rey hits flying headscissors and that sets up a hurricanrana for two. 619 attempt is against thwarted by Jericho and he hits an airplane spin into a backbreaker that looked to finish, but only got two. Jericho powerbombs Rey, but misses the Lionsault which allows Rey to hit a reverse 619. Mysterio tries to drop the dime, but Jericho turns it into a Codebreaker in mid-air but he takes too long to cover and it only gets two. Now Jericho is pissed so he grabs a chair, but IRONY as Rey dropkicks the chair back in his face for two. Rey legdrops the chair on Jericho's face for another two count and then he uses a drop toe hold to drop Jericho on the chair (cool spot, came off flat). Rey tries a hurricanrana, but Jericho turns it into the Walls. Rey fights for his life and manages to grab the chair and nails Chris in the face, which has him landing in the 619 position. Rey attempts it but Jericho rips his mask off mid-move and Rey is stunned so Jericho rolls him up for the win and his record-breaking 9th IC title.
Winner and NEW Champion: Chris Jericho
-Another really good match blending solid wrestling with some lucha mixed in. The unmasking doesn't interest me because, like I said, we've already seen it. Match was ***1/2.
There. That's what he looks like. Get over it.
-Recap of Orton-Batista stuff. Backstage, Batista responds with promises of violence.
Samoan Strap Match
Umaga vs. CM Punk
So it's the same rules as a normal strap match, so what makes it a Samoan Strap Match? Are you required to have 54 relatives in the wrestling business in order to participate? Umaga attacks to start and touches 2 turnbuckles before Punk stops him. There is a graphic in the upper right hand corner of the TV for the REALLY stupid people in the audience who can't count to four. Umaga lays a whipping on Punk and nails him with a headbutt. Umaga smartly uses the strap to wrap Punk's arm around the ring post and then superkicks Punk to the floor. He touches 2 corners, but Punk is outside the ring and cannot be dragged around, giving him time to springboard in with a clothesline to take over. Punk tries the Go To Sleep, but Umaga counters with a spinning heel kick.
Umaga misses a blind charge, so Punk uses the strap to abuse Umaga's crotch. Shining Wizard/bulldog combo stuns Umaga, enabling Punk to touch three corners before Umaga pulls him back with the strap and hits a Blackhole Slam. Umaga touches three corners, but Punk uses the ropes for leverage to dump the former Three Minute Warning member to the outside. Punk touches another three corners before Umage overpowers him and yanks Punk to the mat. Umaga heads to the top, but Punk slams him off with the aid of the Samoan Strap. Punk touches another three corners before Umaga charges, but this time CM Punk catches him in the GTS and touches the fourth corner to win.
Winner: CM Punk
-I really didn't like the story of this match, as it was centered around the touching of the corners rather than beating the opponent down enough so you COULD touch the corners. It was basically ass-backwards booking, but the crowd didn't completely die for it so I guess they got that going for them...which is nice. **
-Backstage, Gregory Helms interviews Christian, who decides he's going to miss Tommy Dreamer. Dreamer comes to answer and they go toe-to-toe before Jack Swagger comes in to make his points and the faces just both walk away.
Hardcore Match for ECW Title
Christian vs. Jack Swagger vs. Tommy Dreamer
Of course, Tommy has to win or he retires. It's kind of sad to see someone who was such a legend in the real ECW to not get the pop and ovation he deserves for such a long devotion to three simple letters. This is not a traditional ECW Triple Threat, so first fall wins. Christian takes a slam from Swagger right away and gets dumped, then it's Tommy's turn to get tossed. Dreamer and Christian both grab weapons and Swagger tries to run away, but Tommy breaks a Singapore cane on his chest, then uses it for a Russian legsweep before Christian breaks up the pin attempt with a garbage can lid. Tommy comes back and hits a cane-assited pumphandle slam to drive Christian to the outside before Swagger attacks from behind. Dreamer manages to backdrop Swagger over the top and uses a rolling senton off the apron to take down both Swagger and Christian.
Back inside, Dreamer clotheslines Swagger with the cane from the second rope, then hangs him in the Tree of Woe. Dreamer tries for the dropkick to the face, but Christian interrupts and borrows the move for himself. He drives Dreamer's face into the can to get a two count, the dumps him to the outside. This allows Swagger to use the cane and get a two count, then follow that up with a suplex for another two. Gutbuster sets up a big press slam, which also only gets two. Swagger removes the turnbuckle, but Tommy smacks him with the cane, allowing Christian to hit the Killswitch for two. Thought that was the finish. Dreamer puts Christian down, but misses an elbow from the second rope while the crowd chants for tables. They should sign this "tables" guy, he's really over.
Christian dives to the outside, but Swagger had a garbage can waiting for him and now Dreamer tosses plunder into the ring. Swagger takes over inside and sets up three garbage cans on the mat and tries to superplex Dreamer onto them, but Christian interrupts and powerbombs Swagger, taking Dreamer with him. Christian tries to use a crutch, but Swagger tosses him into the exposed buckle. When Swagger tries to use the gutwrench on Christian, Tommy breaks the crutch on his ribs, hits the DDT, and gets the win and the title.
Winner and NEW Champion: Tommy Dreamer
-Obviously, I'm very disappointed that this was a wussy brawl consisting of mainly weak garbage can shots and slow spots. **1/2 Tommy definitely deserves the title of ECW Champion, but not in this WWE environment. He tries to use the crowd like he did in the ECW Arena, but it's just not there. So Tommy finally gets his ECW title, 8 years after he won it for the first time and held it for about 20 minutes.
He lost the ECW Title to this guy....great idea, Heyman.
-Jerry Lawler explains the rules of the Hog Pen Match, saying "this match is going to stink". To paraphrase Scott Keith, I love shoot comments that aren't supposed to be shoot comments.
Hog Pen Match
Santina Marella vs. Vickie Guerrero
ECW! ECW! Yes, Vince, this certainly is extreme...extremely fucking stupid. Just please, let it be quick. Vickie makes it a handicap match, allowing Chavo to take her place. Santina throws pig shit at him, so Chavo freaks and beats her/him up. This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen. Chavo takes a backdrop, but throws slop at Santina to come back. Santina dumps Chavo into the actual pig pen, but Chavo comes back and rubs Santina's face into the mud. Vickie decides to come in now and Chavo tries to slop Santina, but he misses and hits Vickie. Santina dumps a bucket on Chavo's head and pins Vickie.
Winner: Santina Marella
-Well that fucking sucked. This was seriously one of the top 10 biggest pieces of garbage that this promotion has ever put out. -**** and a middle finger for good measure. This was seriously one of the worst fucking things that has ever been on television. If that bullshit we just watched didn't cause hundreds of people to DEMAND a refund, I'll be surprised. What a fucking joke. Horrible. A joke. Makes you embarrassed to be a wrestling fan. This whole match is one big metaphor for the product that WWE is putting out right now. Extreme indeed.
-As reported, WWE has renamed the Great American Bash to simply "The Bash". Yes, because the Great American Bash is only one of the most recognizable marquee events in wrestling history, so you can see why they would want to change it. I'm seriously starting to worry about Vince's mental condition. Is he seriously thinking people aren't ordering a specific PPV because it's name is from the NWA?
-Yet more recapping of Orton-Batista. BREAKING NEWS: And, this time, it actually is news. Batista has apparently torn his bicep and will need surgery on Tuesday after Raw. With all these injuries and his overly muscled physique you would think those would be warning signs that he MIGHT be on....GASP...STEROIDS!! (Cue ominous music) Nah, that's crazy talk. They have the Wellness Program after all, right?....Right?
Yeah...I trust this guy
-Backstage, the Guerreros meets Goldust and Hornswoggle and then Edge is waiting for them in the dressing room. Vickie throws him out because she's a bitch.
Cage Match for WWE Championship
Randy Orton vs. Batista
Orton immediately runs over the top of the cage and actually gets to the outside, but Batista drags him back in and sends him down to the mat. Batista hammers away in the corner and drives Orton back into the cage with a spear, but he goes back to the well once too often and Batista hits the cage. Orton tries to escape again but Batista brings him back down to earth and punishes him with a clothesline and a suplex for two. I hate pinfall rules in a cage match. Batista gets caught with his head down and Orton attempts to run out of the door, but again Batista brings him back in and clotheslines him in the corner. Orton goes up and over to avoid Snake Eyes and hits a backbreaker. Another escape attempt out the door is stopped when Batista grabs his boot, drags him in, and runs Orton into all sides of the cage. Powerslam gets two. Orton trips up Batista, who hits the corner, and Orton stomps away.
Batista comes back with a spinebuster and tries for the Batista Bomb, but Orton backdrops him into the cage in a spot that really didn't come off looking as good as Cole and Lawler would want you to believe. Standing dropkick allows Orton the chance to try to escape over the top, but this time he stops and goes for the PUNT OF CERTAIN DEATH~! but it misses. Orton shits himself and tries to run, but Batista hooks him into a Batista Bomb position. Orton manages to fight out and try the RKO, but Batista turns it into the Batista Bomb for the win and the title.
Winner and NEW Champion: Batista
-Well that was certainly an unexpected finish, what with Batista's injury and such. The match told a good story of Orton constantly thinking about escaping and then, when he had a clear path, he decided to be EVIL instead and lost his title because of it. Match wasn't actually that good **.
-Video of everyone doubting John Cena and his greatness. How DARE they!?!
Submission Match
Big Show vs. John Cena
Cena goes to the legs, but gets caught and clotheslined down and Show immediately tries for his shitty Camel Clutch, but Cena reverses to the STFU, which as we all know, HE CAN'T DO! Is Cena really this big of a moron? The 12 year old in the front row wearing your t-shirt knows that Big Show is too big, but you don't? Cena runs into a big boot and Lawler describes Show lifting his leg as "agility". Show hammers away in the corner while Cole uses "Metaphors for the Insane" to describe Show's hands. Big Show calls a spot on camera (come on!) and Cena tries a bulldog that misses and ends with him on the floor.
Cena fights back inside the ring, but a tackle attempt is merely shrugged aside. The Big Show's slowness cannot be properly described. He takes Cena down with a headbutt and then locks in a full nelson, which might have been over as a submission move in 1947. Cena manages to jump on Show's back and gets a chinlock, which Cole calls as a sleeper hold. He's drunk. Big Show shakes off Cena and hits a reverse powerbomb to take control. Show targets the ribs of Cena with knees and then steps on him. He heads up for the Vader Bomb, but Cena moves out of the way and stupidly tries for a bodyslam, which of course doesn't work. Big Show grabs a submission hold after he falls on him, but really it just looks like he's trying to mount him. Hey...I call them like I see them.
Cena gets out of Paul's loving embrace, but Show dumps him over the top by his throat. Big Show is GASSED. I'm talking completely done. Outside the ring, Show rams Cena ribs-first into the post as the crowd is completely silent. Lawler tries to play it off as concern for Cena, but really it's because they are bored as fuck. I'm with them. Show decides to really pick up the pace and locks on an abdominal stretch. Cena escapes and tries an STF but, of course, it doesn't work so he goes up top but gets caught in a bear hug coming down. Cena breaks it by going to the ears and hits a flashback before deciding Big Show can no longer see him and hitting a Five Knuckle Shuffle.
Big Show completely no-sells it and tries a chokeslam, but Cena turns it around and hits the Attitude Adjustment. AGAIN, he tries for the STF and AGAIN it doesn't work. Both men get to their feet and Big Show hits the KO Punch to put Cena on the outside. Please just end this match. Cena recovers long enough to shove Big Show into the post for the double KO. Show crawls back in the ring, but Cena is faster and hits the legdrop for the top. Cena ties Big Show's foot in the ropes and then locks the STF on Show's torso and Big Show taps.
Winner: John Cena
-OK, I have BIG problems with this crap. First of all, this match was FAR too long. I mean I understand this was a submission match and all, but this wasn't exactly Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit going 30 minutes at the 2003 Royal Rumble. Cena and Show both SUCK at technical wrestling and the length bored me to tears. Second, the ending MADE NO SENSE AT ALL!!! It was botched, because Big Show's foot came out of the ropes as soon as Cena locked the move on, forcing the camera not to show it and Show was forced to bend his leg and pretend it was still there. Finally, and most ridiculously, BIG SHOW WAS IN THE ROPES!!!! THAT'S HOW YOU BREAK SUBMISSION HOLDS!! Are you telling me that if Show had Cena in a hold and Cena got to the ropes, it wouldn't have been broken??! They just ignored a rule of wrestling that has been around for DECADES!!! Fuck that. -** If someone can explain how that finish makes ANY sense to them, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE explain it to me.
-Recap of Edge-Hardy.
World Championship
Jeff Hardy vs. Edge
LET THE SPOTS BEGIN!! There are a SHITLOAD of ladders at ringside. I'm more pissed at that shitty submission match because it took all that time away from these two and their death-seeking spots. Hardy controls to start, hitting a legdrop, but Edge comes back and spears him in the corner. Grisham spews wrong facts AGAIN, stating that HBK-Razor was the first ladder match in WWE history. The first ladder match was HBK-Bret in 1992 and I have the video tape it was on to prove it. I don't get how they ignore something that THEY released on tape.
Oh yeah, the match. Hardy makes the first run at the ladder, but Edge baseball slides it into his face. Edge sets a ladder up against the apron and slides back inside the ring, but fickle irony rears its head as Hardy dumps Edge over the top and Edge smacks his face on said ladder. Jeff makes a run at the title, but Edge brings him back down and sandwiches him in the ladder. Ouch. Edge tosses Jeff in a ladder set up in the corner and then tries a spear while Hardy lays against the ladder but Hardy leaps out of the way and Edge only hits ladder. Jeff dropkicks the ladder into Edge's face, but misses another dropkick and Jeff hurts his knee on the ladder. Because he's a great heel, Edge smashes Jeff's knee with the ladder then locks in the Sharpshooter while Jeff is STILL IN THE LADDER. Awesome.
Edge chucks Hardy to the outside and makes a run at the title, but Jeff leaps from the top rope with a dropkick that sends Edge to the mat. Hardy sets the ladder up against the ropes in a V-position, then DROPS Edge onto the middle of the ladder. Holy shit that had to hurt. Jeff goes to the outside and retrieves his patented 15 foot ladder, then hits a Twist of Fate. Hardy goes all the way up, but Edge sees it coming and tries to run away. Hardy sees this and forces the ladder to fall over and grabs the title on the way down. Awesome spot. Edge yanks him to the mat and Jeff hurts his knee.
Edge tastes the ladder once again and Hardy climbs it quickly to hit Whisper in the Wind from about 10 feet. Hardy gets another ladder to compliment the taller one, then uses the Cactus Clothesline to put both men to the floor. Edge puts Jeff down with a boot to the face, then puts a ladder like a bridge from the apron to the security barrier. Hardy avoids a suplex on the ladder and manages to hit Edge with his own climbing equipment. Edge comes back though and sends Jeff HARD into the ringside steps, then hard into the security barrier. I am already anticipating that spot with the bridged ladder.
Edge tries to use the steps as a weapon but gets tripped up. Jeff tries then clotheslines Edge on the security barrier ala the Macho Man, then sets Edge up on the bridged ladder. Hardy climbs another ladder on the outside, but takes too long and Edge meets him at the top. This is not going to end well. They have a slugfest at the top of the ladder and it goes tumbling with both men hitting the bridged ladder and BREAKING IT IN HALF. My God, I fear for the lives of these two. Replays show that Hardy almost missed the ladder completely and landed directly on his shoulder...like landing on the ladder would have made it softer or something.
They somehow fight back into the ring and the referee gets bumped. Hardy tries to get the title, but Edge has climbed the 15 foot ladder and tries a spear but Hardy turns it into a Twist of Fate in MID AIR! I LOVE this match! That was a great nod to the WrestleMania 17 spot where Edge hit that same move, proving that Hardy learned from his past. Jeff tries to climb again and Edge races him up the other side. Edge knocks him off, but Jeff PULLS HIM THROUGH the rungs of the ladder and has nowhere to go. Jeff climbs the other side while Edge can only watch as Jeff retrieves the title and wins this awesome match.
Winner and NEW Champion: Jeff Hardy
-Wow, I am out of breath just WATCHING that. All of their spots hit for the most part and that was one HELL of a fall that both men took. This lived up to the hype and then some as it is definitely a ****1/2
-BUT WAIT!!! Just as Jeff is celebrating here comes CM Punk to the ring to cash in his Money in the Bank!
World Championship
Jeff Hardy vs. CM Punk
CM Punk immediately hits the Go To Sleep, but Hardy kicks out at two. Punk stays on him and Hardy gets a surprise roll-up for a very close two count. Punk hits a kick to the face and another Go To Sleep is enough for the pin and Punk's second World Title.
Winner and NEW Champion: CM Punk
-Obviously, not much of a match, so DUD.
Final Word
So with FIVE title changes in one night, this was definitely a very active PPV. The undercard was decent, but the Show-Cena match along with that atrocious Hog Pen match absolutely killed it. They should NEVER mention that Hog Pen match ever ever ever ever again. The Big Show and John Cena's match was also terrible. HOWEVER, the main event was MONEY and will no doubt be talked up all week long. While I'm sure it will eventually find its way onto about 13 different DVD releases, it's definitely a great match. The lack of blood was very distracting, considering this was the "one night when WWE went EXTREME" but I guess that's fighting a losing battle. Once again....can ANYONE explain why that Cena-Show finish makes ANY sense?!?
Onto more pressing matters.....
It's bad times in the City of Champions right now...but I still believe. They just need a little motivation and there's only one man to do it...........
Gentlemen... the 83rd Pennsylvania and 44th New York will be moving in to our right. But if you look to our left, you will see that there is no one there. It's because we're the end of the line. The Union army stops here. We are the flank. Do you understand, gentlemen?
We cannot retreat. We cannot withdraw. We are going to have to be stubborn today...If you have any breakthroughs, if you have men wounded, if you have a hole in the line, you plug it with the reserve.
Do it. Let's go Pens.
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