WWE Raw Review (May 25, 2009)
Posted on May 25, 2009 by Mike Shannon
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WWE RAW (May 25, 2009)
by: Mike Shannon (DLman91@hotmail.com)
-Yes, so I decided to take a week off last time due to my Judgment Day review. Sue me. Anyways, I still watched the show and I really didn't miss a whole lot (as usual per any episode after a PPV) but let's get started with this first...
SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK IIIIIT! Bring on Detroit!
-Now that all that is outta my system, Raw is LIVE from the Staples Center (please don't make me explain why) and JR is ringside with Michael Cole.
-Lilian Garcia introduces "Stan Kroenke" (owner of the Denver Nuggets) while they run an ESPN package explaining the whole situation. There was a surreal moment when Vince called it the "World Wrestling Federation". I don't understand why Vince didn't just show up and sue the shit outta the Nuggets. He would have gotten PR out the ass and probably a whole lotta cash out of it.
-Also, there are some really bad impersonators of David Stern, Jerry Buss, and Jack Nicholson sitting at ringside.
"I'll fucking kill you all"
-Anyways, "Kroenke" does the usual heel tactics, running down WWE and the fans until Vince interrupts to a pop that's WAY too big for this kinda stuff. First funny line: He announces the formation of a rival basketball league, the XBA, which fail because the Nuggets run it. Good to see he can make fun of that "football" league now. We get lowbrow in a hurry as Vince mocks Kroenke's first name, Enos. THIS is why the mainstream media doesn't like him, stuff like this. Vince shoves him over to end the segment mercifully before it can get any worse.
-The Miz interrupts to remind everyone that he is from Cleveland and LeBron James is awesome and calls Kobe Bryant overrated just like John Cena.
-Cena finally decides to confront Miz, but Legacy attacks him on the way to the ring, so Batista runs in to clear the ring. Big Show rolls himself to the ring and jumps Batista, but Jerry Lawler (complete with Laker color tights) occupies Show long enough to allow Batista and Cena to get rid of Show. That's a 20 minute long opening segment.
-Recap of Kelly Kelly winning the battle royal last week.
Divas Title
Maryse vs. Kelly Kelly
Just please God, let it be short. Kelly has the magic pushup bra on tonight and looks like she hasn't eaten since last Thursday. Not sayin' that's a bad thing. Maryse charges and gets a terrible looking backbreaker for two and then pulls hair alot. Kelly comes back with a clothesline and hits the handspring elbow for two. They do a catfight spot and Maryse lures Kelly outside to pound her against the announce table. Maryse shoves her over the table and apparently that's enough to warrant a DQ from the referee. Are you serious?
Winner by DQ: Kelly Kelly
-OK, so a shove over a table is a DQ-worthy offense, but putting someone THROUGH a table is OK? I never understand crap like this. 1/4*
-Backstage, "Jack Nicholson" meets Goldust and Hornswoggle, who reenact a scene from A Few Good Men. It's not funny and the Nicholson impersonator might be the worst I've ever seen. Why is Goldust still working that stupid Tourrette's gimmick?
-Ric Flair reminds Batista that he's Ric Flair, which is why he's calling out Orton tonight.
US Championship #1 Contender's Match
Matt Hardy vs. William Regal vs. Kofi Kingston
Regal and Kofi start their mini-match while Hardy bails to the outside. Kingston takes a forearm and blocks a dump to the outside before coming back with the Jamaican Legsweep. Hardy distracts Kofi long enough for Regal and Kingston to clothesline each other and Hardy gets two. Matt gets rid of Regal as MVP makes his presence known at ringside and WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK!!!
Wait...she's a DRIVER too?!? When did this happen?
We're back with Regal getting a full nelson slam, but Hardy rolls him up for a 1 count. Regal goes to the arm to get rid of Hardy, but Kofi distracts him long enough to allow Hardy to come back in and dump Regal. Neckbreaker gets two, broken up by Regal, who takes Matt down and abuses the arm. Kofi hits a high missile dropkick for two on Regal, then hits a jawbreaker on Matt. He follows with a flying forearm and the Jamaican legdrop gets two. Split-legged 10 punch is broken by Regal, who takes a Side Effect from Hardy for two. Another Side Effect hits on Kofi for two, then Regal comes back with a back suplex. Regal looks to attack Kofi, but runs into Trouble in Paradise for two, broken up by Matt. Hardy charges with the cast, but Kofi ducks and hits another Trouble in Paradise for the win and title shot.
Winner and #1 Contender: Kofi Kingston
-Like many triple threat matches, it felt unorganized and awkward. Not many workers can pull these off convincingly *3/4.
-2 matches (1 bad, 1 meh) in the whole first hour of Raw. Not a good sign.
-Ric Flair finally joins us to rant and rave about Randy Orton and challenges him to come out and fight, this time when he's paying attention. Orton comes out to say it is over for Flair and he is washed up, so Ric smacks him across the face, causing Orton to kick his ass. Batista saves Flair and has to hold him back while Orton taunts both from the ramp.
-For no apparent reason, Mr. Kennedy picks this time to make his return and announce he is the mystery partner for tonight's main event. KENNEDY!
Mixed Tag Match
Santino Marella and Mickie James vs. Chavo Guerrero and Beth Phoenix
Winner gets to pick the stipulation at Extreme Rules between Vickie and Santina. ECW! ECW! Chavo attacks Santino right away and hits a back suplex for two. Beth gets her cheapshots in here and there, but Chavo misses a blind charge and the women check in. Mickie goes low with a dropkick to the face for two, broken up by Chavo, but Santino gets rid of him allow Mickie to hook a crucifix for the win.
Winners: Santino and Mickie
-Our match streak continues with another sub-par match at 1/2*. Vickie joins us to announce that Chavo is her manager at Extreme Rules. Santino is not worried and decides on a hogpen match. Oh God....(zero pop for that by the way)
-This is by no means the first hog pen match. You can watch the previous one starring HHH at http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x26lb7_arkansas-hog-pen-match-hhh-vs-henry_sport
Obviously, Hunter's most technically skilled opponent
Goldust and Hornswoggle vs. Brian Kendrick and Festus
Kendrick's tag team partner search is not going well. They should just call the team "The Curtain Jerkers". Primo and Carlito are on commentary. Festus goes nuts at the bell, but is confused by Hornswoggle, so Kendrick tags himself in and shoves the midget and gets two off a small package. Hornswoggle comes back with a VERY unconvincing DDT and gets the hot tag to Goldust, who is desperately trying to show that he still has it to get a push. Kendrick hits a dropkick and Festus refuses to tag him, so Kendrick smacks him, drawing Festus into the ring and distracting the referee long enough for Hornswoggle to hit the Tadpole splash and Goldust to get the win.
Winners: Goldust and Hornswoggle
-You have to ask? 1/4*. How does Hornswoggle still get a paycheck. Kendrick tries to hit Festus with a chair, but Primo rings the bell and Kendrick heads for the hills. Brutal. It's a shame Primo and Carlito have NO ONE to feud with because they are money in the ring.
The Denver Nuggets (The Miz, Big Show, and Legacy) vs. The Los Angeles Lakers (MVP, Jerry Lawler, Mr. Kennedy, John Cena, and Batista)
Just to add to the mood of tonight, WWE uses the Los Angeles Lakers PA guy to announce the teams and gives them positions on the floor and everything. Oh, and they have jerseys with their names on the backs of them. This is so freaking weird. The Lakers guy is noticeably more subdued announcing wrestlers than he is announcing Kobe Bryant....I wonder why?
Kobe Lawler starts against Carmello Rhodes and hits a slam before tagging in Batista, who hammers away in the corner and hits a clothesline. MVP checks in and gets cheap heat by wearing 24, but he takes a clothesline and the heat segment begins as Orton hits a backbreaker. Big Show cheapshot allows a two count for Orton and THE TAPE MACHINES ARE RUNNING!!
Unreal
We're back with DiBiase holding onto a chinlock on MVP, but he conveniently chooses this time to hit a jawbreaker and attempt a tag, but Miz cuts it off and locks on a chinlock of his own. MVP comes back with his judo throw and gets the hot tag to Kennedy, who cleans up on Miz and hits a roundhouse kick for two. The heels have seen enough and ram Kennedy into the ringside security wall and Miz gets two off of it. Orton pounds away on Kennedy and drops a knee for two. The Big Show lumbers into the ring to continue heat segment #2 and hits a slam into an elbow drop for two. Show is already gassed so he tags in Rhodes, who keeps working on Kennedy's midsection and gets two. Miz comes in and hits a legdrop, then grabs another chinlock before trapping Kennedy in the heel corner yet again and DiBiase gets two off of the melee.
DiBiase gets his own chinlock as the crowd chants "let's go Lakers" and Kennedy, Green Bay native, is so inspired by this he attempts a comeback that goes nowhere. Orton wants in and gets a pair of two counts before going BACK to the chinlock. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING. Orton gets a dropkick for two, broken up by Batista, and that allows Kennedy to mount a comeback with a back suplex. Hot tag to Cena wakes up the crowd and he cleans house on Cody Rhodes, but he knows what the fans what to see. He tags in MVP so they can hit the Five Knuckle Shuffle and Baller Elbow at the same time. Playmaker hits on Cody and that's it.
Winners: The Lakers
-Post-match, everyone hits their finishers before Batista and Cena suplex Big Show while Orton escapes. This was a little disappointing as they had all kinds of instant heat, but the match didn't really utilize that at all. It was a parade of chinlocks and heat segments, which really didn't work the crowd at all. That's why it gets ** and likes it.
Final Word
A very disappointing Raw to say the least, but I'm willing to forgive because the Denver situation probably distracted them from the booking of the show for a little while. Basically, the show kinda sucked, but I'm willing to let it slide. Don't bother with watching it though.
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