WWE Raw (Feb. 23, 2009) Review
Posted on Feb 23, 2009 by Mike Shannon
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WWE RAW (February 23, 2009)
by: Mike Shannon (DLman91@hotmail.com)
-First of all, let me say that I am pissed Mickey Rourke got snubbed for the the Oscar last night, only because Milk was rather predictable and really Sean Penn's performance couldn't touch Mickey's when it came down to it. So, in any case, Rourke should have won, but still remains the dirtiest looking man in Hollywood.
Both these men could still bang your mom
-Vickie is out to let the audience boo her while she yells "excuse me" some more...simple pleasures in life. She announces that the mysterious Board of Directions has named her interim GM for Raw. Cena, ever the spotlight hog, has to come down to the ring to protest. Although he does get points for mocking Michael Cole for saying "vintage" all the time.....of course I made that joke 3 weeks ago...not that I'm keeping track or anything. Cena wants his rematch tonight, so Edge comes out with the Big Show. Edge yaps on and on, but he's a Maple Leafs fan, so who gives a shit what he says?
-Anyways, after all the same-old stuff, Vickie says he'll either face her friend (Big Show) or her family (Edge). I'm betting it's not gonna be Edge.
-You know, I just realized that both world champions are married (either kayfabe or in real life) to high ranking women. HHH is married to Steph for real and Edge is married to Vickie to kayfabe. So basically, WWE is hammering nepotism down our throats.
-Legacy arrives and Priceless acts as his personal security force.
Money in the Bank Qualifying Match
CM Punk vs. The Miz vs. John Morrison
Punk tries to fight off the heels but they quickly beat him down, which was not unexpected. Punk's comebacks go nowhere until he catches Miz with a boot in the corner and clotheslines Morrison down. All three end up outside of the ring and WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK BUT THE TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!!!
When you need to leave a crime scene in a hurry, there's Hertz.
We're back with Morrison grinding a headlock since he accidentally took out Miz with a Shooting Star off the apron during the break. Punk comes back with a leg lariat, but Miz interrupts the Shining Wizard-Bulldog combo and takes over while Morrison rolls to the floor. Miz gets two off a suplex and he tries to act all tough and menacing....doesn't work too well, and we hit the chinlock. Punk fights out and manages to take both down with a headscissors-bulldog combo, and powerslam gets two on Morrison before it's interrupted. Miz puts him in an electric chair and Morrison hits him with a hard kick, but they fight over the pin and Punk kicks out. THE MEGA POWERS EXPLODE as Miz and Morrison take each other on, but that allows Punk to get rid of Miz and hit the Go To Sleep on Morrison for the win.
Winner: CM Punk
-Honestly, I expected better here but the 3 guys here seemed out of sync and didn't really click at all. *1/4 for the Shooting Star Press that we didn't even get to see live.
Did You Know? That I don't give a flying fuck about Raw's ratings and feel pure psychological hatred every single time I have to hear them fucking spew their lies about beating EVERY SINGLE PROGRAM on television?
-Highlights of HHH's interview segment on Raw where he acts all brooding and emotional. At least they are finally acknowledging the worst kept secret in wrestling now. HHH's acting ranges somewhere between "Really, Really Shitty" and "Fairly Awful".
-Priceless informs Todd Grisham that it's not Orton's fault. The only backstage interviewer named Todd who ever mattered was Todd Pettengill.
Just an unreal soul patch
Six-Man Mixed Tag Match
Melina and Cryme Tyme vs. Beth, Santino, and Dolph Ziggler
The women start and Beth shows off the power but takes a kick to the head and decides to tag in Dolph. Santino does not like being passed up. JTG finds out he is, indeed, wrestling Dolph Ziggler. JTG hits the facebuster for two, but gets taken down. Dolph fakes out Santino on a tag to piss him off, then gets two off a legdrop. He puts his head down too early and gets slugged and hot tag to Shad puts the house on fire. HIIIIIIGH flapjack finally wakes the crowd up and now Dolph is more than happy to tag. Your hero and mine pyschs himself up but gets immediately hit with an STO for the pin.
Winners: Cryme Tyme and Melina
-Nothing at all to write home about, could have taken a piss here *.
-Another preview of "12 Rounds", which I don't care about. How am I supposed to fear a villain who's biggest acting credit to date has been "Queer as Folk 2"?
Winner Faces Vladimir Kozlov for Right to Face Undertaker
JBL vs. Shawn Michaels
So this is a match for the winner to challenge another guy, and then the winner of that match has the right to challenge another guy. This makes my head hurt. I know it won't happen, but can you imagine how TERRIBLE a Taker-Kozlov match would be? Brutal. They trade shots to start and HBK takes him down before getting hit with a clothesline for two. JBL misses an elbow and Shawn chops him down for two, which you don't see much in WWE, chops for near falls were a WCW thing. Shawn works the arm but JBL boots him down and slugs away in the corner. HBK comes back with more chops but takes a hard whip to the corner and takes an elbow for two. Kneelifts in the corner continue to illustrate Bradshaw's uselessness. Shawn gets slugged to the outside, but manages to run Bradshaw into the post for the double KO on the outside. Not sure what happened to Shawn, maybe sympathy pains or something. In any case, WE GOTTA TAKE A BREAK!
Yoko prepares to engulf Macho with his titties
We're back and it's revealed JBL's coconut head clonked Shawn, explaining the double KO. They fight on the top turnbuckle and Shawn takes a boot to the face, which he oversells complete with spit shot. JBL catches him with clothesline (not sure if it's "from Hell" or not) and it only gets two, so it must have just been from purgatory or something. Abdominal stretch hits to amp up the excitement, but Shawn comes back with a flying forearm and his new FIVE MOVES OF DOOM~!! The band gets tuned up...
Your band of the week is Metallica
However, JBL thought "Some Kind of Monster" sucked and dumps Shawn, who skins the cat back in and walks into a boot. JBL lays the badmouth on him and tries the Clothesline from Hell, but instead runs into Sweet Chin Music for the win.
Winner: Shawn Michales
-Typical TV match, but JBL's brutalness in the ring is terrible to watch. *3/4 They kept showing some skanks in the audience cheering for Shawn, who weren't all that attractive, so I guess Nashville is full of ugly people. Post-match, Kozlov lays out Shawn cause EVERYONE thinks he's going to win, right?
-YOUR WrestleMania moment of the day is last year's outdoor event. Relatively forgettable honestly, save for the Flair retirement match. I mean, come on, the Mayweather thing was never even mentioned again.
Mike Knox vs. Jamie Noble
Noble promised pre-match that he would last longer than 15 seconds and go to WrestleMania. Well, he lasts 29 seconds this time (according to the helpful timer in the corner of the screen).
Winner: Mike Knox
-DUD DUD DUD DUD. So this gimmick of losing in under a minute is supposed to get Noble over to justify his TV time? Right.
-The newest member of the Hall of Fame: Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. AWESOME! Steamboat is an underrated amazing worker. If you're younger and never saw his Flair stuff, go watch ANY of their matches because they are ALL great. Of course Flair is going to induct him.
This stare just made your girlfriend climax
-Steamboat joins Michael Cole on the ramp for an interview, and he gets an embarrassingly small pop because none of the 11 year old Cena fans know who he is. You uneducated slime. Jericho, of course, interrupts to continue his tirade against anyone who is retired,and is wearing a POWER SUIT tonight, he must mean business. He gloats about Rourke losing and calls Steamboat a loser for dressing like a Dragon in the WWF. Jericho speaks truth here because it was pretty sad to see. Surprised Jericho was allowed to mention the NWA on TV (even though he stated that "according to this company, it never existed").
-Steamboat is still pathetic because he crawled back to WWE to work backstage. Dragon calls him out on referring to him as his hero in his autobiography, then mocks Jericho's constant heel/face turns. Steamboat works here cause he loves the business, says he, and he is something Jericho never will be: a hall of famer. That's too much for Jericho and he attacks him with the mic before running him into the RAW sign, then kicks a puppy, pops a child's birthday balloon, and shoves down an old lady on his way to the locker room.
-Odd moment as a live long shot of RAW pops up on the screen for about 10 seconds with nothing going on until USA freaks and puts on a commercial. Weird.
Did You Know? I want to punch Michael Cole in his uterus.
-This just in: HHH still isn't here. Thanks for that.
-OF COURSE, there's no title match tonight. So Cena promises to follow Vickie around wherever she goes. That's not a pretty mental image.
John Cena vs. Chavo Guerrero
Oh yeah, didn't see this one coming. Chavo gets clotheslined right away and gets hit with the Five Knuckle Shuffle, the Attitude Adjustment, and the STF for the win.
Winner: John Cena
-Wow, even on Superstars the jobbers got at least a dropkick. DUD DUD DUD again.
-Orton is coming to the ring and he has a sledgehammer with him.
Main Event Interview
Orton claims he's a victim and it's all the fault of the McMahons. How long do you think the WWE writers were on Wikipedia before they found this IED crap? Vince shouldn't have tried to fire him, Shane shouldn't have fought him, and Steph shouldn't have slapped him. The fans don't understand either. Orton is rambling before we cut to HHH coming to the ring with his own hammer and he's wearing the LEATHER JACKET, so it's on now BITCH!
Orton wants to compromise and have them both drop the hammers. HHH as a machine-like man on a mission is awesome. Surprisingly, they both do drop them and do the STAREDOWN OF DOOM in the ring. HHH shows he's the man by pulling a SECOND sledgehammer out of his jeans and sends Legacy running for the hills. Orton and DiBiase try to escape, but the door is locked so they barricade themselves in a dressing room with a couch, this is like a horror movie. HHH breaks down the door, but sadly does not shout "HERE'S JOHNNY!", and Orton and DiBiase shit themselves.
Hunter nails DiBiase on the head but misses Orton by a mile, allowing them to escape. They debate fighting him off with a pipe, but think better of it and head for a car and drive off into the night. Awesome angle.
Final Word
Well, the show absolutely sucked until the end, and this Orton/Legacy storyline is absolutely carrying this show, which is on life support otherwise. They really need to build the undercard and FAST. Two DUD matches and another 10 minutes of JBL on offense is no good. That said, I love the main even angle, so at least they have that going for them.....which is nice.
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